I’m not aware of too many things

Posted on 2007-01-01. Filed under: Questions, Thoughts |

I’m not aware of too many things
I know what I know, if you know what I mean


What I am is what I am
Are you what you are or what?
What I am is what I am
Are you what you are or

This is going to be a long one. So, either get something to drink now if you really want to read this or just close your browser window now.

I am going to be quoting quite a bit from The Sacred Romance. I read this last night after everyone had went to bed at our New Year’s Eve party:

Identity is not something that falls on us out of the sky. For better or for worse, identity is bestowed. We are who we are in relation to others. But far more important, we draw our identity from our impact on those others – if and how we affect them. We long to know that we make a difference in the lives of others, to know that we matter, that our presence cannot be replaced by a pet, a possession, or even another person. The awful burden of the false self is that it must be constantly maintained. … We think we have to keep doing something in order to be desirable. Once we find something that will bring us some attention, we have to keep it going or risk the loss of the attention.

And so we live with the fear of not being chosen and the burden of maintaining whatever it is about us that might get us noticed and the commitment never to be seen for who we really are. We develop a functional self-image, even if it is a negative one.

I see this in my own life. I have different roles, or functions, that I fulfill in the various groups of people with which I interact. Each function is different. It has been this way with me for as long as I can remember. It’s one reason why I don’t like to mix different groups of people (be with more than one group at the same time). When that happens, I am literally confused as to how I should act and who I should “be” and I shut down or I just leave.

There is no esaping your identity. You will not live beyond how you see yourself; not for long. … We will draw our identity from outside ourselves; the question, is from whom? In the end, it will be from those moments and those people on whom we’ve had the biggest impact.

If I have been playing these roles all of my life, then which one is me? Who is the real me? Will the real Slim Shady please stand up? According to the book:

Who am I, really? The answer to that question is found in the answer to another: What is God’s heart toward me, or, how do I affect him? If God is the Pursuer, the Ageless Romancer, the Lover, then there has to be a Beloved, one who is the Pursued. This is our role in the story.

OK, so I’m the one that God loves. But, how does that translate into my everyday life?

This morning, while trying to catch up on my Bible reading, I read this from Hebrews 10:26-31.

For if we go on sinning willfully after receiving the knowledge of the truth, there no longer remains a sacrifice for sins, but a terrifying expectation of judgment and THE FURY OF A FIRE WHICH WILL CONSUME THE ADVERSARIES. Anyone who has set aside the Law of Moses dies without mercy on the testimony of two or three witnesses. How much severer punishment do you think he will deserve who has trampled under foot the Son of God, and has regarded as unclean the blood of the covenant by which he was sanctified, and has insulted the Spirit of grace? For we know Him who said, “VENGEANCE IS MINE, I WILL REPAY ” And again, “THE LORD WILL JUDGE HIS PEOPLE.” It is a terrifying thing to fall into the hands of the living God.

And I have to tell you, that passage really struck home to me. I thought back to this past year and how I seem to repeat the same old sins. And, when one particular sin has been defeated and removed from my life, another one takes its place. So, I am one who God loves but I am constantly letting him down. I guess I have no choice but to continue to stand on this from 2 Corinthians 3:4-6 –

Such confidence we have through Christ toward God. Not that we are adequate in ourselves to consider anything as coming from ourselves, but our adequacy is from God, who also made us adequate as servants of a new covenant, not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life.

This is yet another mystery to me. God is Love. He desires to love me. But the only things about me that are lovable come from him, not me. I’m missing the point of him loving me. It seems like he’s loving himself through me. Like I said, it’s a mystery (to me).

At least I’m beginning to separate who I am from what I do. I liked what the speaker said at church yesterday. He said that many people say that he is a missionary. But, that is only his function. Last night and this morning, I was speaking with some friends about our goals for the coming year. I mentioned a few of my goals and I later thought of them. They are definitely things that I want to accomplish. I used to think that my goals made up who I was. After they were made, I would pour myself into them, partly in an attempt to not think about who I was.

I think one of the primary things I want to do in 2007 is, “First, do no harm.” I am tired of messing stuff up. I feel pressure that everything I pursue should succeed or things will be really bad. This feeling makes me want to just crawl into a hole and be by myself, to not have a single thought or feeling or desire. But, to just “be” there. Lately, I have really struggled with my thoughts, feelings and desires. It’s hard for me to separate the wheat from the chaff. And sometimes, it’s hard to throw out the chaff even if I can separate it. So, I guess my desire to do no harm comes from the fact that I don’t know which thoughts, feelings and desires to trust. I am feeling like I’m in limbo in my soul. I believe that God has given me a destiny to ultimately fulfill and I wonder if I’m holding up that destiny.

I think for the rest of this week, I am going to sit in my “hole” and try to just “be” (except for the things already on the calendar). This week, I would like to feel like I haven’t screwed up anything.

This is such a combination of jumbled thoughts. I’ll just stop ………. here.

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2 Responses to “I’m not aware of too many things”

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“I believe that God has given me a destiny to ultimately fulfill and I wonder if I’m holding up that destiny.” —same here.

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