Archive for June, 2007

My Father’s Day

Posted on 2007-06-17. Filed under: Life, Thoughts |


I know not a lot of people read my blog anymore so I’m not even going to protect this. Today, I’ve spent pretty much alone. I’ve been trying to get up the energy to get some things done but it’s been hard. I keep trying things and just stopping. Overall, I feel tremendously sad and alone.  Most people would say that I have no right to be and they may be right. But that’s how I feel. It’s overwhelming. I took G out to get some lunch and let him ride in the front seat. B later told me that he’s not big enough. I guess it was a good thing that G ducked when we passed by a cop.

I so want to just sleep the day away. But being an insomniac doesn’t help in that regard. I’m a depressed insomniac. That’s such a MISERABLE duo.

I’m not feeling much like a father today. Maybe I am ruining G’s life by my choices like my “friend” told me yesterday.

B is napping. I think I’ll try and go for a walk after doing my PT. Maybe when I get back we can have dinner and then maybe we’ll go bowling. G wants to. I just want to go to bed. Then, one more day will be done. Another mark on the wall.

The lyrics to an old song go something like this: “Choke me in the shallow water before I get too deep.

I can’t type any more. Just forget it.

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Solamente Un Uomo

Posted on 2007-06-12. Filed under: Life, Lyrics, Thoughts |


That’s Only One Man in Italian. It could also mean Only A Man.

I chose that name for my blog because it was a nice play on words. In a lot (all?) of Romance languages, the word for “a” and the word for “one” is the same. And in my head, the name for my blog could be either.

I named my blog Only A Man because I’m fallible. The road towards the goal has twists and turns and cutbacks and sometimes I seem to be taking all of them. OK, so maybe the road is straight and narrow but I’m walking it as if it had cutbacks, twists and turns. I’m also only a man so I need God in my life to make it. I need Jesus to model the way for me and to make a way for me. I need the Holy Spirit to keep showing the way to me.

I named the blog Only One Man because I’m only one of billions. What’s in here are just my experiences and thoughts. They may not reflect yours and they may not even be right but they’re mine – the ones I’m sharing anyway.

So, after working today, I took a long walk and for the walk, I took some tunes on my MP3 player with me. And it was fitting that one of the songs was Only A Man by Jonny Lang. These lyrics were so powerful and they hit me strongly. I’ve been very emotional the last couple of days – just breaking into tears suddenly. So, I guess I was very open to these lyrics. The song starts with a man reflecting on his life and then it goes into a prayer the man gives which becomes a dialogue between him and God. Here are the lyrics:

I used to live my life in fear
Was worried all the time
From waking up to laying down
I had no peace of mind
The world became a darkened place
A struggle without end
Although bitter times those were
The days that I had began to understand
I was only a man

I grew up singing songs in church
With questions in my mind
Then turned my back and ran away
From God who gave me life
Then one night his presence fell
I wept and shook and then
I fell down and cried, Dear Jesus, rescue me again
I understand I am only a man

And He said, What will it be now?
Will you choose me or keep swimming up stream now?
I’ve been inside your head hearing you scream out.
Well here I am, just take my hand and I’ll take out
All of the pain and all of the fear

All of the fear

I’ll give you my burdens (I’ll give you peace)
All of my desires (I’ll give you what you need)
Oh, what about these chains, Lord? (I’ll set you free)
But they’re so heavy (Lay them at my feet)
I’ll lay them at your feet
Just promise you won’t leave (I’ll never leave)
So where do I go from here, Lord? (Just follow me)
(Just follow me)
I’ll follow you (Just follow me) wherever you lead
Wherever you lead, wherever you lead

Those lyrics say so much. Right now, I’m speechless; I’m not going to try and exegete them.

Oh Dear God, never leave me, never forsake me! I’m just a man and I need you.

 

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