Posted on 2007-09-08. Filed under: Life, Thoughts |

I got to my parent’s yesterday evening. It was so good to see my son again. I’ve really missed him this past week. He was just walking out of the house with Nonno to walk the dogs when I drove up the hill. I could see their feet under the van but they couldn’t see me so I drove up real quick and just as they were coming around the van, I stopped and honked my horn real loud! 🙂

G dropped the leash and ran off! So, I parked, got out of the truck, walked around the side and snuck up behind him and scared him again. I so enjoy our relationship. The other day, he called me and we were on the phone together for over half an hour just cutting up and making each other laugh. Even my dad says he’s so much like me when I was that age. That’s nice.

After dinner, we went down to the lower part of the property that Mom and Dad just bought recently. On one tree, Dad had put a tire swing on one side and another swing like Olympic gymnastics rings on the other. G loved the rings and learned how to backflips. He did about 8 of them.

I didn’t sleep well last night. My neck and shoulders have gotten so much worse. The drive here didn’t help and sleeping on the soft bed in my parent’s guest room really hurt! This pain is a thorn in my neck that continually reminds me of certain things. I kept waking up and got online briefly around 4:30 this morning. I tried to go back to bed and slept until about 8. I could barely move. My sister came over with my niece and we went to Bo’s Bodacious Family Fun! (Of course, we stopped at Bojangle’s first for some breakfast!) They have putt-putt, arcade games, wall-climbing, bowling and probably some other things. We did everything but the bowling. I had forgotten socks for G and my shoulder was hurting too bad to attempt it. Anyway, G & I are going to bowl for a cancer benefit later this month; it’s something my business is helping sponsor. G & my niece J had a lot of fun. Then, we came back to my parent’s for just a bit before G & I went downtown to an arts street festival that was going on. G got some cotton candy and had his face painted. At Bo’s, he bought a pirate eye patch (and a toy soldier) with his tickets. He was wearing it at the festival so the balloon person made him a pirate looking glass complete with a big eyeball at the end and the face-painter painted a pirate sword on his cheek. At the line for the balloons, I realized we were standing behind the son of Donna, one of my friends from high school. We had stopped by her house a few months ago and G had played with him. He was with his dad’s mom. I asked him to say Hi to his mom for me. I almost bought one of those iron and glass mosaics with the different colored glass designed to catch light. It was of a flower that was really beautiful.

On the way home from that, we stopped at the playground for my old elementary school and hung out for a while. While I was there, some really old memories came flooding back that I probably haven’t remembered in over 20 years! I can remember going out for recess. We played on the old metal climbing equipment (monkey bars and the like). We spent some time on the swings and they had some drums setup to bang on. Then, we went up on the field where all my elementary school Field Days were held and played tag for a bit. I’m sure I ran faster back then. I can remember my teachers complimenting my form as that of a true sprinter and I always won my races (even when older kids were competing).

Then, we came back. I’m just trying to stay busy. There’s so much I don’t want to think about right now. I need a break from thinking. My thoughts seem to go in circles a lot. My emotions vacillate from loneliness to feeling alone, from sadness to resignation to hope to numbness to anger to expectation to little moments of joy to feeling irate to despair. I’m an emotional mess. My sister seems so much better able to deal with her situation. I’m sad for her.

I’m not sure how to spend the rest of my day. I’ve brought the books I’ve been reading and may try to make headway in them. I’m gonna ice down my neck some more; that seemed to help. I may watch the Monk and Psych episodes that were recorded last night. And Mom’s got some movies I’d prolly enjoy somewhat. I just get by moment to moment and day to day. I’ve also got some work I need to do and might try to do my calisthenics, physical therapy and my walk. I dunno. I barely have energy to do anything. I feel so lethargic, blah and drained. Right as I was leaving town yesterday, a friend gave me two little airplane bottles of Crown Royal. It feels like forever since I had a whiskey sour with CR. I haven’t had a drop of alcohol since June 14 – I’m too scared of how good it will feel to not feel anything. Maybe I’ll just take one of Mom’s Valium… No, that would feel too good too. Though it might help my neck and shoulder…

What I’d really like to do is just go have some pizza with someone…

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2 Responses to “yuck”

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If I had not been so lazy today, I would have seen you there at the festival. Instead Jacob went with his grandparents and Olivia and I took a nap and stayed in our pj’s all day.
I read your blog every time you post- and it seems you are going through “the desert” as you put it. My prayers are with you on your journey.

Thanks Donna! I really appreciate the prayers…
I could use all the help I can get.

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